This blog post has taken a long time for me to write. I debated sharing it at all, but I have heard from others who were feeling discouraged in similar ways, so if words make even one person feel less alone, then it is worth writing.
I also want to take a moment to thank Brenda and Jonathan Golden of St. Peter’s Place and how wonderful they have been as I have navigated (and continue to navigate) through spiritual deconstruction and reconstruction. Thank you both for being the real deal. Thank you both for being people I can trust.
As we continue navigating the uncharted waters of 2020, there is a weariness that lives inside many of us even alongside the serial tragedies. This weariness has compounded the present wounds – both those that are new and those that have never truly healed. It has not garnered every headline, perhaps not a single headline. It has not resulted in expert panels. However, it weighs heavily on the hearts of so many. I know it has been heavy on my own heart.
It is the disappointment and the frustration with people who we once held in such high regard. It is the anger that we feel in hearing the destructive words of people and systems that were integral in our formation. It is the grief we feel when we see the figureheads of systems and ideologies miss the mark so gravely and remember the influence that they once held over our lives.
Was it all a lie? How did I not see this earlier?
The horrors of this year have been hard enough on their own, but the response to these events that we see from many are often just as disheartening. As we try to move through an ever-changing world with fire in our hearts and goodness in our hands, hearing the cacophony of voices from our life past and present can be disorienting. Particularly when those voices were the ones that taught us of goodness, love, and grace in our younger years.
Where have all of our heroes gone? Who then can we trust?
Dearest reader, certainly by now you know that no one under the sun is perfect; however, that does not mean that we should not give up all hope in finding examples and in turn, becoming that example to continue the hope for others. It also doesn’t mean that we can’t hold ourselves and other people accountable.
As you’ve lived and walked, you’ve likely come across different people who claim to be ambassadors for the same thing. You may have also noticed that the manner in which these ambassadors live, talk, preach, respond, and advocate vary greatly from individual to individual. How do we sift through the muck and the despair and the disillusionment to find something worth holding onto? How do we know who and what we can trust?
For those of you who grew up within the Christian tradition, the following verses may bring back memories of felt boards and sing-alongs. For those of you who joined the tradition at a later time, you likely have some familiarity with the following verses. If you are outside of the Christian tradition, I find it likely that you will agree with the sentiment of them as well. Read them below, take a moment to ponder them, and then read them again.
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit will you recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown in the fire. Thus by their fruit you will recognize them.
Matthew 7:15-20
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
Growing up, I saw many actions that did not look like the above fruits, but those actions were called righteousness. I heard many words that demeaned another, but they called it ‘speaking the Truth in Love’. I have seen apathy, misery, strife, pettiness, meanness, badness, inconsistency, cruelty, and recklessness take the reins, and I have seen people call it holiness.
If that is what it means to be a believer, count me out. I want no part of it. If this is what the ‘Good News’ is, then I will spend my Sundays getting extra sleep. If this is what righteousness looks like, than may I be a heathen for the rest of my days.
But I truly don’t believe that is the case. And I’ve seen evidence to the contrary.
I have seen a barely-literate homeless woman sing all of the words on a screen during a church service and proclaim that she knew all of the words. I have had a dear friend show up at my door with four kinds of ice cream when I was having a bad day. I have cried at many tables over many meals, only to be met with unconditional love, acceptance, and dessert. I have been given a quarter by strangers at an Aldi so that I could get a cart when I was living in poverty (little do they know how that one small act of kindness lives in my head six years later). I have rejoiced in the goodness of The Lord with a Sheikh that lives halfway across the world. I have cried healing tears. I have held people who have cried healing tears. I have seen people that have faced the ugliest underbelly of life laugh with abandon. I have seen hardened hearts soften (namely, my own). I have seen reunification. I have seen what can be.
Weary reader, there is cause for hope. It is not far-fetched. Goodness is here, and it often hides in the ordinary moments of our lives. Nevertheless, there will be people who will qualify the above fruits and/or justify their own lack. These are not people who we should allow to have a voice in our spiritual journey. If someone is claiming righteous authority and you do not see love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control come from them, please consider this your permission to write them off – myself included. Should my words ever be written in a spirit of cruelty and self-righteousness, I will ask you now to pay them no mind.
You may be someone who reads these fruits and looks at your own life and realizes that there may be some ‘opportunity for improvement,’ as we say in my industry. Don’t be discouraged by this. Every person belongs in this camp, myself included. Dare I say that we could even be excited at the prospect that things could get better? There was a lot that I had to repent of, and frankly and am still having to repent of; however, I can say that making the decision to move away from my old ego-centric modus operandi has been one of the best, if not the best, decisions of my life. It has allowed me to see more beauty, experience more freedom, love more completely, and walk further and further into the Great Mystery.
My friends, may we be vigilant in discerning what is truly Good. May we take an honest inventory of ourselves underneath our self-righteous armor and really ask ourselves if we like what we see. May we experience Goodness so undeniable that we are never fooled when callousness disguises itself as righteousness. And lastly, may the fruits of those further along in their journey encourage us and be guideposts for us as we grow into greater and greater Truth.
Blessings, Abby.
The New Contemplatives 